Really bad. Horrific even. And I have seen (and love) quite a lot of really bad scifi. This was just painful.

DOA: Dead or Alive. I saw the trailer and thought “oooo, kick ass women fighting! Martial arts crap! It’ll be fun! Sure they are all in thier underwear….but as a scifi fan I am used to the oversexualization of the female characters. I can take it.”

I was wrong. Dear sweet goddess I was wrong. You can watch the full movie here. But I do not recommend it.

The premise is that a group of the world’s deadliest fighters enter into a competition to win $10 million dollars. You can incapacitate or kill your opposition – seems to be winner’s preference – but the point is to be the last one standing. The invitees are split about evenly on gender lines and the women kick ass. Yay! In fact, the women are the final contenders. This is the only good point in this movie.

There are multiple scenes of bikini/underwear clad women playing volleyball or swimming merely for the amusement of their male counterparts. One of whom is the freaking father of a female contestant. Frakking perverted! Ewewewewew. Multiple times daddy dearest assumes that his daughter is participating in some lesbian orgy because she is getting acupuncture or at the beach or in a hottub with another woman. Um, dude, why are you jumping to sexual conclusions when talking to your DAUGHTER?! Of course she is properly horrified. Lesbian fantasies for men are okay, but if your dad thinks you might really be gay….gasp! Bring on the homophobia!

And the plot holes. The plot holes. Someone explain to me why a warrior princess, highly paid assassin, talented jewel thief or superstar would all join this competition for 10 million? These women are fucking LOADED. They do NOT need money. And wouldn’t the assassin and thief be a wee-bit paranoid that some game organization was managing to track thier movements in order to deliver the invite? Give me some paranoia! Some “who the fuck do you think you are stalking me? I have a business/reputation to maintain and now must kill you!” This would be logical and would provide yet another opportunity for a half naked women to parade around for the amusement of the menfolk.

And why are these women being so damn friendly with eachother? If they theoretically give a rat’s ass about this competition – for the glory or the money or whatever – then shouldn’t they be interested in….I don’t know….winning? The men have no problems eliminating the competition through fair means or foul, but the girls care about eachother and help eachother. Because we all know women chatter all the time about boys and need friends and lend helping hands blah blah blah blah blah.

Racial stereotypes are fun too. The ghetto misgynist black man with some bizarre hair and a lot of bling. And he looks to be hopped up on steroids. Japanese warrior princess? Followed around by a loyal bodyguard who also loves her but would never dream of reaching above his station. And, you guessed it, left her family behind to search for her brother. Awwwww. She does have some fun with the kimonos. And gets a fun fight in the middle of a damn bamboo forest. Against her missing brother’s ex-lover who is willing to kill the princess in order to preserve the honor of the people. Apparently once princess leaves the seclusion of her palace she is marked for death. Can’t have women prancing about the countryside without permission. They might take of the traditional garb, put on a string bikini and play volleyball! No not that! ANYTHING but that! Her guard is the accepted combination of horrified and turned on.

Okay class is starting and I do not have time to make this coherant – just remember BAD MOVIE! Avoid it unless you want your brain to explode. If this was on Heroine Content they would probably label it “no stars: sutting us back 20 years.”