I was going to wait for Heroine Content to post a Terminator review. After all, these are obviously women who worship at the altar of Sarah Connor – much like myself. I knew they would pin down the problems with the latest installment in one of my favorite franchises.*  Hathor Legacy provided a decent summary, but I am in need of cathartic snark.  However, the snark has not yet appeared and I’m stewing in disgust.

I was initially hesitant to even bother seeing a Terminator film that didn’t have Sarah Connor. Sure, killer robots are great – but come on, it’s Sarah-fucking-Connor! But then I heard Linda Hamilton lent her voice and was reassured. As long as the spirit of Sarah Connor was there the movie would rock.  Kyle Reese did say way back in the original film that the women of his time were strong fighters. And we know Sarah Connor is the religous-madonna-figure for post-Judgment Day humans……..

It’ll be great. Right?

Wrong.

Okay so we’ve got 7 female persons in the film. Total. I will discuss them in order of appearance-ish.

1. Dr. Serena Dying of Cancer But Working for Cyberdyne (she did have a last name, I just forgot it). Random question: why does Helena Bonham Carter always do these corpse-like roles? Is there just something about her that makes directors and makeup artists think ‘this woman needs to look like death’? Okay well she’s a scientist and bartering with prisoners and not all mopey or religious about her impending death. Not stereotypical. Well-done. I’m a bit disappointed that she won’t be in the future…. Hold on! What the FUCK is with this stupid kiss shit?  I dug the Dying Scientist schtick – but of course a Dying Female Scientist needs to be sexually harassed on her deathbed. And mocked for no longer being The Object Of Male Lust. Present Day Fail!
2. Random female soldier. Right in the opening battle scene.  Awesome! There won’t be any of this bullshit women-at-home-breeding-for-the-future!  Whoo! The future may be a wasteland but I see gender equality on the horizon…..Oh wait. She dies immediately without ever speaking. At least the troop was integrated. And the point was for everyone not named Connor to die in this scene. I rationalize and remain hopeful.
3. Kate Connor, pregnant doctor. They never directly acknowledge that she is pregnant or treat her differently because of it.  This is a plus.  None of that parturition is a sacred yet horrifying disease shit.  But she doesn’t do anything.  Ever. Except look worried. About the menz. Because what else would a woman trouble herself with? I find it hard to believe that a man raised by a total take-charge bad-ass would marry a practically silent doormat. I say ‘practically’ silent because Kate does speak. You know, to provide support and reassurance to/about the men. Which is just how women are. Obviously. The one time she interacts with another woman is to – you guessed it – discuss the health/well-being of a man.
4. Star, mute child resistance fighter.  What does it say about a film when the most kick-ass female in the bunch is a mute child? She’s a quick thinker, quite crafty and never panics. Some of the traps she and Kyle had set up boggled my freaking mind. If I’m going to be trapped in a post-apocalyptic future with a kid while we’re hunted by robot assassins- I want that one. She’s got her shit together. She’s the one with the foresight to snag the remote detonator and bring it along during the hectic escape. Without her Skynet Central remains standing.**  Hell, I bet she could have handed Marcus his ass – simply by outthinking him. And that is a level of badass I appreciate. You may be smaller and weaker than everyone, but that doesn’t mean you’re helpless.  The mute thing? That is problematic.  Sure it’s logical that a child living with this constant level of stress would be rocking some hardcore PTSD – but she’s also one of the only minority characters. And she’s mute.  I admit that I am not as good as the Heroine Content ladies at catching the race issues on a first sitting. But come on assholes, you had to make the African-American kid mute. Touchingly symbolic for the lack of diversity in resistance leadership, but I somehow doubt that was the point being made.
5. Old Woman.  This woman is living with a bunch of gangsta types who don’ wan’ nothin’ to do with no resistance. But she doesn’t take shit from them – which I appreciate – and hands some food to the kids on her doorstep.  Granted as soon as she directly contradicts The Men (as opposed to just ignoring their bullshit pissing contest), she gets snatched by Skynet. Oh goodie. A woman stands up for herself and gets thrown in a death camp.
6. Ethnic Prisoner.  Sobs in a non-English language, pissing off the male prisoners, promptly shutting up when threatened.  Because of course the mere existence of something not English is immediately offense to Manly American Men. Do I really need to explain why this is problematic? Was there even a point for this scene? Great deals of dialogue were (hopefully) left on the cutting room floor*** – so why the bloody hell do they save this? Oh right, so we can be reminded that Kyle Reese, though a teenager, is Real Good Man who can deal with Hysterical Women.
7. Blair (another last name I forgot), resistance fighter. Just loved the reveal on this one. The pilot is only referred to by last name! And crashes! And gets stuck in a tree! And Marcus shows up to help cut the pilot down! And then the pilot pulls off a helmet to show off the long shiny girly hair! It’s a GIRL!!! OMGWTF!?!! We are not amused (in my mind that has a British accent). And why the fuck would a soldier have luxuriously long hair in the middle of a desert/nuclear wasteland? That’s a helluva lot of impractical maintenance.  (In G.I. Jane it took Demi Moore all of one week to shave her head). Of course she is almost immediately surrounded by Bad Guys who attempt to rape her. And we wouldn’t want Soldier Girl to appear too manly.  So rather than fighting them all off, (which she looked capable of doing – these were bottom of the barrel villains) she starts to fight, gets hurt, and waits for her new boyfriend to save her. Aw, isn’t he such a Nice Guy? Her feminine intuition continues to serve her well when she frees the fucking infiltration model cyborg. But he was nice! He didn’t rape me! It couldn’t have anything to do with cyborgs not being into sex and using me as a way into headquarters!  He’s really a Nice Guy! So I’ll just betray my cause, my friends, my entire species, and help him out. Riiiight. Fuck that shit.

Notice how these characters almost never interact? Yeah this film fails the Bechdel test hard.  It also fails the Morales test.  Apparently the only non-white people to survive are those willing to conform to stereotypes.

So the movie didn’t suck enough ass for me to pretend it doesn’t exist.  I actually enjoyed it, and hope to see an extended DVD version that will remedy some brutal editing issues. But it did shit all over the Sarah Connor Legacy. Which is a goddamed tragedy. Whether on TV or the big screen, Sarah Connor made this franchise.  But in the typical backsliding notions of Hollywood, no one could handle the idea that the precious 18-35 male demographic would watch GIRLS because everyone knows they have cooties! The success of T:SCC and T2 were flukes! Because of special effects. And women don’t watch scifi. Duh. They are busy with the laundry.

*In my world T3 never fucking happened. Much like Alien 3. When you piss all over my favorite films with that level of garbage, I edit the existence of said film(s). Hence: T3 does not exist.

**Sigmadog was quite bothered that Connor chose to detonate a nuclear bomb when they were in the air about a hundred yards away from ground zero. Which I agree is pretty fucking stupid. Shouldn’t you wait to do that until you are out of the blast zone?

***The most glaring script cutting problem for me was when John is growling at the restrained Marcus. “You killed my father, Kyle Reese….”. Marcus replies that Kyle Reese is on his way to a death camp and he could have killed him any time. But NO ONE thinks to comment on the relative age discrepancy. How about “Kyle Reese is a teenager.”?  Kate is the only one who knows about the time travel father/son paradox – so really, someone should have wondered about that. At least I hope there was some gratuitous cutting during that scene. Otherwise the script issues boggle the mind.