So I’m solid on the Performance tests.
Batting 50/50 on the fucking MBE and Essays.
Le sigh.
June 29, 2009
June 19, 2009
June 12, 2009
Still Alive, Plotting Brutal Death of Cal Bar Examiners
I suspect the BarBri decision to place the Criminal Law review section immediately after Contracts is deliberate. Otherwise there wouldn’t be anything to remind me about how very bad it is to kill the fuckers who are forcing me to deal with this shit again.*
As you can imagine from the utter joy I am expressing at this topic, I might be a lot bit behind, getting my ass handed to me on practice stuff, and totally at a loss for how the fuck to learn it. It doesn’t help that the lectures are peppered with “Now in real life/real law/real courtrooms/normal human experience this is not true. But for Bar purposes it is. So you need to learn it for the Bar and forget it afterwards.”
Did I mention that it is probably a good thing I’ll be learning about criminal liability next?
Oh and apparently I have Good Moral Character! Go Me! And thanks to my various character references for turning in that bloody boring questionnaire without editorializing. Any bets on how long I can hold onto this wondrous designation?
Hey Vanessa - Any Ideas?
*Note that Draconismoi first learned Contracts from one of the two most misogynist douchebag professors on the face of the earth.** This asshat thought he was so bloody clever by talking about “women’s day.” Which, in case you were wondering, was something he learned in the Dark Ages of Legal Education, and still applies today! It’s that extra-special day once a term where you deign to call on the female students in the class. If that wasn’t enough to ignite my rage, he also denigrated the PERFECTLY VALID comments us Vagina-Citizens made on Acknowledge-the-Ovaries-Day. Plus the puns. Fucking hell that man loved his shittastic puns.
BarBri Contracts Professor doesn’t call on anyone, so I can’t establish any adherance to habits picked up in the 1950s. But he does think it’s the funniest thing ever that he’s from Texas. And plays it up every other sentence. By talking about tacos and armadillos and country music and grits. Because he’s from Texas, get it? And this is the California Bar. ”So y’all’r prob’lee wondrun just whatn’hell greets are. Don’ worry abut it kids! All y’all need to know is greets are ev’rywhere…” Hardee-fucking-har. Yes dude, I did register an accent, but no, it wasn’t your defining character trait. Get the fuck over it.
**The other one was one of the Anthropology profs in college. Dr. Whine-to-a-Roomful-of-Female-Students-About-How-This-Is-A-Man’s-Field-And-You-Girls-Are-Fucking-It-All-Up-With-Your-Presence.
May 30, 2009
It’s Saturday and I’m still on Friday’s Assignments
Not really a good sign is it? Oh well. These songs make the world a better place.
I must really be out of the loop - I heard all the Santorum Man-On-Dog comments. But ducks? Ducks I missed. Of course when I first saw this video I kept thinking about Trish’s yellow duckie vibrator. Sorry Patty-boy, women have been having sex with ducks for years.
MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaahhheeeeeeeeeeeeesssssss…….(can’t……breathe……)
Nice to see you didn’t neglect country music in there ladies - but I think the existence of ‘Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy’ is a significantly worse offense than ‘Cotton-Eyed-Joe’. (Now that I’m back on the Mountain, I’m hearing quite a bit more country than usual. And not nearly enough punk.) Just saying.
What was the point of all this? Oh yes, Garfunkel and Oates are bloody brilliant!
May 29, 2009
This Puts a Whole New Perspective on Bathroom Reading
Yeah, that’s right. A novel in toilet-paper form. I bet that will be a challenging format description for Amazon. But most importantly, said toilet-paper novel is written by the author of The Ring. Apparently making TVs and VCRs objects of unspeakable dread just wasn’t enough for him.
I remember an episode of The X-Files where there was a sewer monster* that accomplished its great escape by stowing away in a port-o-crapper. I was afraid to use those things for years. To this day, if stuck with no feasible alternatives, I check. Just in case.
With that history in mind, I am hesitant to read a story that will not only turn the toilet into an instrument of my horrifying demise…..but also obligate me to sit on it for the duration.
And no, that will not stop me from going to great lengths to get my hands on a copy. Because after 3 years of law school and 2 weeks of Bar review, I have a well-established tendency towards masochism.
*Rachel, if I linked to the wrong episode, tell me. Because I need to be sure to re-watch it sometime soon and see if it still freaks me out.
May 25, 2009
Terminator’s Salvation Was/Is/Always Will Be Sarah Connor
I was going to wait for Heroine Content to post a Terminator review. After all, these are obviously women who worship at the altar of Sarah Connor - much like myself. I knew they would pin down the problems with the latest installment in one of my favorite franchises.* Hathor Legacy provided a decent summary, but I am in need of cathartic snark. However, the snark has not yet appeared and I’m stewing in disgust.
I was initially hesitant to even bother seeing a Terminator film that didn’t have Sarah Connor. Sure, killer robots are great - but come on, it’s Sarah-fucking-Connor! But then I heard Linda Hamilton lent her voice and was reassured. As long as the spirit of Sarah Connor was there the movie would rock. Kyle Reese did say way back in the original film that the women of his time were strong fighters. And we know Sarah Connor is the religous-madonna-figure for post-Judgment Day humans……..
It’ll be great. Right?
Okay so we’ve got 7 female persons in the film. Total. I will discuss them in order of appearance-ish.
- Dr. Serena Dying of Cancer But Working for Cyberdyne (she did have a last name, I just forgot it). Random question: why does Helena Bonham Carter always do these corpse-like roles? Is there just something about her that makes directors and makeup artists think ‘this woman needs to look like death’? Okay well she’s a scientist and bartering with prisoners and not all mopey or religious about her impending death. Not stereotypical. Well-done. I’m a bit disappointed that she won’t be in the future…. Hold on! What the FUCK is with this stupid kiss shit? I dug the Dying Scientist schtick - but of course a Dying Female Scientist needs to be sexually harassed on her deathbed. And mocked for no longer being The Object Of Male Lust. Present Day Fail!
- Random female soldier. Right in the opening battle scene. Awesome! There won’t be any of this bullshit women-at-home-breeding-for-the-future! Whoo! The future may be a wasteland but I see gender equality on the horizon…..Oh wait. She dies immediately without ever speaking. At least the troop was integrated. And the point was for everyone not named Connor to die in this scene. I rationalize and remain hopeful.
- Kate Connor, pregnant doctor. They never directly acknowledge that she is pregnant or treat her differently because of it. This is a plus. None of that parturition is a sacred yet horrifying disease shit. But she doesn’t do anything. Ever. Except look worried. About the menz. Because what else would a woman trouble herself with? I find it hard to believe that a man raised by a total take-charge bad-ass would marry a practically silent doormat. I say ‘practically’ silent because Kate does speak. You know, to provide support and reassurance to/about the men. Which is just how women are. Obviously. The one time she interacts with another woman is to - you guessed it - discuss the health/well-being of a man.
- Star, mute child resistance fighter. What does it say about a film when the most kick-ass female in the bunch is a mute child? She’s a quick thinker, quite crafty and never panics. Some of the traps she and Kyle had set up boggled my freaking mind. If I’m going to be trapped in a post-apocalyptic future with a kid while we’re hunted by robot assassins- I want that one. She’s got her shit together. She’s the one with the foresight to snag the remote detonator and bring it along during the hectic escape. Without her Skynet Central remains standing.** Hell, I bet she could have handed Marcus his ass - simply by outthinking him. And that is a level of badass I appreciate. You may be smaller and weaker than everyone, but that doesn’t mean you’re helpless. The mute thing? That is problematic. Sure it’s logical that a child living with this constant level of stress would be rocking some hardcore PTSD - but she’s also one of the only minority characters. And she’s mute. I admit that I am not as good as the Heroine Content ladies at catching the race issues on a first sitting. But come on assholes, you had to make the African-American kid mute. Touchingly symbolic for the lack of diversity in resistance leadership, but I somehow doubt that was the point being made.
- Old Woman. This woman is living with a bunch of gangsta types who don’ wan’ nothin’ to do with no resistance. But she doesn’t take shit from them - which I appreciate - and hands some food to the kids on her doorstep. Granted as soon as she directly contradicts The Men (as opposed to just ignoring their bullshit pissing contest), she gets snatched by Skynet. Oh goodie. A woman stands up for herself and gets thrown in a death camp.
- Ethnic Prisoner. Sobs in a non-English language, pissing off the male prisoners, promptly shutting up when threatened. Because of course the mere existence of something not English is immediately offense to Manly American Men. Do I really need to explain why this is problematic? Was there even a point for this scene? Great deals of dialogue were (hopefully) left on the cutting room floor*** - so why the bloody hell do they save this? Oh right, so we can be reminded that Kyle Reese, though a teenager, is Real Good Man who can deal with Hysterical Women.
- Blair (another last name I forgot), resistance fighter. Just loved the reveal on this one. The pilot is only referred to by last name! And crashes! And gets stuck in a tree! And Marcus shows up to help cut the pilot down! And then the pilot pulls off a helmet to show off the long shiny girly hair! It’s a GIRL!!! OMGWTF!?!! We are not amused (in my mind that has a British accent). And why the fuck would a soldier have luxuriously long hair in the middle of a desert/nuclear wasteland? That’s a helluva lot of impractical maintenance. (In G.I. Jane it took Demi Moore all of one week to shave her head). Of course she is almost immediately surrounded by Bad Guys who attempt to rape her. And we wouldn’t want Soldier Girl to appear too manly. So rather than fighting them all off, (which she looked capable of doing - these were bottom of the barrel villains) she starts to fight, gets hurt, and waits for her new boyfriend to save her. Aw, isn’t he such a Nice Guy? Her feminine intuition continues to serve her well when she frees the fucking infiltration model cyborg. But he was nice! He didn’t rape me! It couldn’t have anything to do with cyborgs not being into sex and using me as a way into headquarters! He’s really a Nice Guy! So I’ll just betray my cause, my friends, my entire species, and help him out. Riiiight. Fuck that shit.
Notice how these characters almost never interact? Yeah this film fails the Bechdel test hard. It also fails the Morales test. Apparently the only non-white people to survive are those willing to conform to stereotypes.
So the movie didn’t suck enough ass for me to pretend it doesn’t exist. I actually enjoyed it, and hope to see an extended DVD version that will remedy some brutal editing issues. But it did shit all over the Sarah Connor Legacy. Which is a goddamed tragedy. Whether on TV or the big screen, Sarah Connor made this franchise. But in the typical backsliding notions of Hollywood, no one could handle the idea that the precious 18-35 male demographic would watch GIRLS because everyone knows they have cooties! The success of T:SCC and T2 were flukes! Because of special effects. And women don’t watch scifi. Duh. They are busy with the laundry.
*In my world T3 never fucking happened. Much like Alien 3. When you piss all over my favorite films with that level of garbage, I edit the existence of said film(s). Hence: T3 does not exist.
**Sigmadog was quite bothered that Connor chose to detonate a nuclear bomb when they were in the air about a hundred yards away from ground zero. Which I agree is pretty fucking stupid. Shouldn’t you wait to do that until you are out of the blast zone?
***The most glaring script cutting problem for me was when John is growling at the restrained Marcus. “You killed my father, Kyle Reese….”. Marcus replies that Kyle Reese is on his way to a death camp and he could have killed him any time. But NO ONE thinks to comment on the relative age discrepancy. How about “Kyle Reese is a teenager.”? Kate is the only one who knows about the time travel father/son paradox - so really, someone should have wondered about that. At least I hope there was some gratuitous cutting during that scene. Otherwise the script issues boggle the mind.
May 14, 2009
In a Galaxy Far, Far Away Where No One Has Gone Before
So the true question becomes, did Abrams really reinvent Trek for a new generation? Or did he just merge two established space opera franchises into one shiny misogynistic universe?
UPDATE: Susan provides an essential bit of background on the Trekverse before going to see the new movie:
“Just remember that right before the movie begins there was a devastating plague that killed all the women.”
Now that I understand the context of this future society, I will be able to rewatch the film and appreciate it for what it is.
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May 9, 2009
Panic operates in the same cyclical manner as fashion!
Isn’t that just awesome?
So now I am assured that Susan’s brood of future children will also experience the wonders of polyester, leg warmers and pig induced hysteria. These are the things that provide connections between the generations.
May 1, 2009
Yes President Mom, I promise to wash my hands
Obama addressed the nation on Wednesday night, reminding us all to wash our hands and not have unprotected sex with pigs.
Or so I hear. I didn’t actually watch the press conference because I’ve come to loathe the shiny box filled with commercials. Blog coverage of the 100 days’ speech was far more entertaining than the actual conference would have been.
Sadly I did learn that when the President preempts Better Off Ted on TV, it also preempts it on Hulu and various torrent sites. What the fuck is with that?! I deal with the internet specifically so I am not constrained by fascist television regimes.
My irritation receded when Better Off Ted responded to the preemption. Hee!
I remember hearing that the networks were pissing and moaning about presidential press conferences. ‘Wah wah you’re interrupting McWhiny’s Anatomy and American Wannabe. Wah, wah.” I had no sympathy - until I discovered the network solution of timeshifting and cancelling of the GOOD shows in favor of more cerebral-gelatinizing shit.
April 26, 2009
This Seems Counterintuitive
Meatcards. Yes, they are, in fact, making edible business cards.
This looks a little raw for my tastes
According to the website
We start with 100% beef jerky, and SEAR your contact information into it with a 150 WATT CO2 LASER.
Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients:
MEAT AND LASERS.
Mmmmm. Laser.
Sorry, but this picture isn’t doing much for me - I’m used to jerky looking a bit more…done. As in really, truly dead - and covered in salt.
FeministLawProfs suggests these are good for “veterinarians, but not vegetarians.” To which I have to disagree. If my vet hands me a business card made out of dead animal, I am going to have some seriously creepy thoughts about the clinic’s body disposal procedures. And as for the vegetarians….there is vegan jerky. Edible business cards are not strictly for the meat-lovers.
But back to the counterintuitive principles at work here. The purpose of a business card is to help potential customers/clients contact you. Now I’m certain that when someone hands me food, I’ll vividly remember “that chemical engineer with the edible business cards….” - but I won’t be able to recall the phone number/address/email/website.
Why?
BECAUSE I ATE YOUR BUSINESS CARD! You may make an interesting impression on your potential client base by being witty and different and whatnot - but you sure as hell aren’t encouraging people to actually get in touch with you if you expect them to eat your contact information. Which may partly explain why rice paper hasn’t caught on in the west.
Yes - it’s a neat gimmick - but in the end it’s a zero sum endeavor. No use in being remembered if you can’t be recalled.